Raya 2014

For this Eid I set up a new revelation in order to improve myself. First, I offered Umi myself to cook for Eid. From ketupat, rendang daging, sambal goreng, sambal udang, opor ayam, and anything else, I cooked. And of course I enjoyed the night being a 'housewife'. HAHA. Plus, I was asked by my sister to cook sambal tumis ikan bilis and kuah lodeh for her Raya celebration with her colleagues since she had to work for Raya. God, the experience just made me feel like the champion of Master Chef! LOL. No sweat baby! ;)

However, despite of all these Raya preparation, somehow deep down inside I feel so gloomy and merely sad. I don't know why. Everytime I browse through IG news feed, I keep seeing pictures of people in Gaza. They are suffering there and meanwhile I'm right here doesn't have the ability to do anything about it. And that just made me feel so upset. You know, when you see people or animals being tortured lively right before your eyes and you can't have anything to protect them, you would feel upset with yourself upon your own disability. Honestly, that's what I'm feeling.

Two weeks ago, my friend whatsapp-ed me a screenshot of an FB status calling for volunteers to visit Gaza and hand in help for those in need. I tried to persuade my mom and of course, she didn't allow me. So I talked with my bestfriend with hope that she could give me some ideas to persuade my mom or maybe.. let her talk with my mom about this so that my mom could change her mind. But instead, my bestfriend told me that bearing this kind of task for a young woman like me is not easy. Plus, I'm obviously not ready for this mentally and physically. Because even the allies of Al-Qassam are extremely extraordinary in a way that they are fully devoted to Allah and that, when they face war, they became fully 'redha' and put full throttle trust in Allah. Plus, they are the kind of people who spend the nights performing shalah worshipping Allah. Well, I know that I'm way far different from that. I guess my BF was right. I'm not ready yet. She even reminded me of Ahmad Ammar, the Malaysian guy who passed away in an accident in Turkey. And in fact, he was literally martyred. This has gave me the courage to increase my ibadah to build up my inner strength and enhance my relationship with Allah.

They are amazing. I wish I could be like them. I am willing to fight for people in need because I'm a true believer of karma and I obey the law of justice. I see murders on media everyday and everytime I read them my heart felt like being striped out off my chest and only Allah knows how I felt about it. I'm a kind of person who can't see people in tears and blood, screaming against their enemy or being bullied and such. I have a very strong protective heart in me. I could come to a stage where I would risk my life just to protect a person who is in need. I was born naturally with it. And even if a person hurt me, I would walk off harmlessly without saving any rage.

I don't know but, I'm a kind of lionhearted girl. Just so you know, my zodiac is leo. Brave, strong, tough, loyal, protective. Just like a lion. Except that I don't eat raw meat. Though there are some times that actually I wasn't brave enough, but I'm already get used to train myself to be brave and face reality regardless of what the circumstances might come. I am fearless of anything but Allah. Even fearless to get hurt. To me pain is beautiful and it is like a supplement of strength for me. It acts as a catalyst to boost up my strength. And when I face challenges I would face them fearlessly.

So basically, for this Raya, I feel so different about it. Even none among a million stars can show you the exact mot juste of my feelings about it. Only Allah knows... All these days I've been doing is sitting alone while praying for protection for them and praying hard. I even lose appetite, lose of courage to smile and couldn't sleep properly through these nights just thinking about them. They are the brave ones as how Allah has created them. May they die in honor and in the hands of Allah.

Selamat Hari Raya Raya Aidilfitri dear Muslims in the whole world.

Pray For Palestine

Pray for Muslims

May Allah bless us everyone

May peace be upon you

~Live Life Cool~

Patience

I was listening to Russian songs when I write this entry. Eventhough there some lyrics that I couldn't understand, somehow it boost up my mood to write about something for today. But in English. Oh and by the way, my Russian accent is improving. *wink*

Okay, let's start shall we?

Earlier this morning my foster brother's message popped up through my WHATSAPP...

Him: 

Me:

Woah, been trying to struggle for it everyday...

Him:

HAHAHA... don't need to.

Everyday right when you wake up from your sleep, just smile and say Alhamdulillah.

Go and try it.

It took me quite some minutes to contemplate his message and now I think I've found a way to understand it. First of all, have you ever heard of this quote saying...

Do you really understand what does this really means? Frankly, at first, I don't think that these two words are even relevant with each other and bring up necessity to our life impact. But THEN, after I went through a lot of troubles and all the unwanted events, I began to understand.

Along the way in my life, I started to learn the value of patience. Especially when I was a degree student in university for four years. I went through a lot of struggles all by myself. I walked all the way to classes and farms during practical classes because I had no transport at all besides bus. And then later at night I walked to Astaka Seni for dance practice which took 30 minutes from my college to the place. And the practice was held on every weekdays till after midnight at around 1 or 2 am, and then I walked back to the college, bathed and do some revision or assignments before I fell asleep. Even when I was sick and couldn't even get up from my bed, I still managed to walk to the health centre to get prescriptions. Everything and everywhere I go, and every burden I felt, it was me all alone. Everytime I reminisce all the hard times I went through, I feel so grateful and glad that I've gone through it all. In fact, I keep them as the sweetest memories I've ever had in my life and I could never let them go.

There was this one time I made a mistake which accidentally caused a huge trouble to my friend and she scolded me, screamed and shouted at my face and said she hated me and didn't even wanted to see my face again. But in the end during practical, she always came to my house and my mom always cooked for them. i had a few arguments with my mom because she knew that I was having a huge fight with my friend and that she wasn't willingly to allow her to come to our house and join us for dinner. But then I took the courage to forgive her though it was really painful and I even felt more delighted and honored to have her with us for our dinner. And later, till now, we became close friends.

I had some friends who talked and made up stories behind my back... Saying I'm a bitch because I had a lot of guy friends...Some said I'm a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend but all of which were not true at all. But I still have the courage to smile when I meet them.

There were actually more events that I went through that had caused me a lot of pain, madness, anger, rage, and all that somewhat. And I bet there are some people out there who had even worse experience than mine. But tell you what, everytime I go through it, I always train myself to be patient. Some people said that patience has its own limit. To me, there isn't any. In my opinion, there is no limit in one's patience. The thing that makes you burst out your anger after a long time you've been holding your patience is because you were actually keeping your vengeance and you refused to let go all the bad memories and accept it willingly. Patience is about trying to accept the flaws, live with it peacefully, try to forgive it and be grateful because it happened to make you become wiser. And then you move on. That's it. You don't keep any thoughts in your mind such as, "it's okay. Just make sure you don't do it again or you'll be a dead meat." No no. A huge NO. 

I always practice this one thing that whenever I'm having a trouble and I almost lose my patience, I just sit down and remember Allah, feel Him in my heart, recite ayatul Kursi and plenty of salawat, and a few moments later, my patience has just been upgraded! Just somehow I feel more calm and happier. I even managed to smile while I was facing it. Isn't that amazing? I always persuade myself to forgive whenever anyone hurt me and try to understand why are they behaving like that. It is not easy to understand people. But if we choose to become considerate and try to understand people, we may have the chance to upgrade our patience and become an optimist. Besides, it helps us to be grateful that it happened because we gained a lesson and literally we had nothing to lose. And that's how patience works to enhance our attitude and self-respect. 

However, eventhough I managed to forgive, there are some memories that I refused to forget. Not because I wanted to remark the person or the event as something bad or somewhat, but because I wanted to keep it as my personal important lessons so that I won't repeat the same mistakes again. And that, by living in such way, patience has become not just my virtue, but also my key to freedom. Indeed it is. By letting all the bad feelings about your past, your heart feels much lighter to fly higher and reach your dreams. That's why you need patience in order to be success. Success is the highest stage of ultimatum in everyone's dream.

So now you see how patience can give such a huge impact to you and your life?

If you still can't keep it, at least try to be as cool as this cute thang

TEHEEHEE! Okbye

Till next time

~Live Life Cool~

be it

Don't fall in love yet

Because you haven't fall in love with yourself

You journey has just begun

Don't tie yourself a knot

Because you still got a lot to learn

And you haven't become the man of value

Go spend your life

Go have fun

Embrace your awesomeness

Open up to everything

Figure out exactly what you want

Life's too short to regret

It's okay to make mistakes

Wise men are not even close to being judgmental

They don't judge you by your past

They see you as what you've evolved to become from the mistakes you've made

And that's how you've become the man of value

So don't even look at the people who seem to looking over your mistakes rather than what you're trying to improve

These people are such a waste

They don't even deserve to be on your list of concern

Just be yourself

Go chase your dreams

It's okay to get hurt

It's okay to lose what you want

It's okay to fail

That doesn't mean you gonna lose everything

Tie yourself strong enough to your God, hope and faith

Never lose it

You'll make it to the top

at the end of the day

No matter what comes within your way

 Go fly as high as you can

But never forgot who you are

And why you're flying

Just go fly through the storms

Go ahead

Don't stop

Shout out from the heart of an independent woman

I need a man

not just some guy

Because myself only worth for a man

and not just some guy who can't even tell what he want

I know what kind of lover I am

And no

I'm not gonna spend my values

to just some guy

My love and devotion is too limited

for a man I call husband

And that's it

That's my worth

a little thought from a smart bombdiggity

Until today I just couldn't say anything anymore. My heart just felt too much pain and I'm trying to figure out the way to heal it. The thing is. Everytime I try to befriends, give chances, open up my heart, be nice, with people, I'm always the one who end up getting hurt. That's just too nasty man. I don't know why is it really necessary for some people to take all the advantage from me and take me down all the way till I felt hurt so bad.

It's been five years now and I'm still single and available and not even one man that I've met could really make me smile and just be happy for being me. I know I'm not a perfect Malibu barbie, neither a perfect Muslimah like Felixia Yeop. But why can't there be one man at least, can accept me just by seeing me through. I'm opened up to show my true colors. From best to worst, and ya know what, all guys just the same. They fallen for me so much easily when they saw my FB profile picture, get to know me, thought I'm amazing and stuff, and when I meet them, they tend to like....making so much excuses and simply disappeared. I think my game has totally proven that there is nobody who can really accept me flaws and all. By words definitely, but not by actions. Such a drama isn't it?

It's not that I'm being a playgirl or something...It's just that... Everytime I go out on a first date with a guy, I tend to dress up sloppy, well not sloppy, just dress up casually as such a t-shirt, jeans and Converse snickers instead of wearing dresses like I really am on a first date, and just be as spontaneous as I can. I did this because i don't want to waste my time and emotions for another heartbreak moment just by finding out that the person I'm in love with is totally fake. After all, there used to be too many guys who adored me and wanted to date with me because I'm a 'hot stuff' but they weren't sincere enough. So I tend to change my game so that in a way, I could figure out which guy is Mr. Drama, Mr. Perfectionist, Mr. Plastic, Mr. Empty-Polo, Mr. Gold Digger and just so many pathetic species. And based on my experiments, guys are great actors, yet just so boring. And the null hypothesis is accepted.

It's always been the same cycle. They get too excited, and they thought that you're gorgeous and amazing, and by the time you meet them, they get turned off just by the way you look. You're right sis. There could be only one guy who is worth enough to be with me. Just one guy and one man and only he deserves to be with me. The rest? Nu-uh. Totally not. But I haven't find the person yet. And sometimes I'm afraid if actually he doesn't exists. But I never lost hope. Even my bestfriend once said, "the sweet moment will always come later than you thought. It just need patience."... And my mom said, "The more you become patient, the closer you are to meet the best."....And my foster sister also said, "you will meet a lot of wrong guys before you get to meet the right one."

This is so mysterious and unique. But for the time being, all I'm feeling right now is just to be ALONE in my own world, focusing on my dreams and yeah. I think that's the best way to make me feel happy. Because I'm doing it all for myself. Not for others. Nu-uh. Not at all. So for any girls out there, whenever you feel like a loser or maybe lonely just because you don't have a lover, just think that you're super PHAB (pretty, hot and brainy), ambitious, and a superwoman who loves to spread love to the world and make the whole world smile. You're just too busy working out to be the best so that you can meet a person of your worth, and you're like the highest apple on a tree where not everybody could easily get. BUT there would be only ONE hero who would work his ass off like hell and could make it to grab you and set you free. No rush, honey. Just enjoy your life, enjoy being single. Grab a pen and paper now, and figure out what do you really really want in your life. Just whatever you wish. Put them on your list, and keep them. So that whenever you feel any negative emotions down your throat, you just refer back to the list and by that, I'm sure you gonna smile again and start to step up and continue your journey. Just don't stop believing. ;)

#LIVE LIFE COOL

My darling, my hamburger

Hey you!

You're the one who loves me unconditionally

Who saves your romance for me and only me

Who keep me back on the pedestal

Who scold me with full concern

Who makes me feel like wanna dance with you, only you in the sky

Who teaches me what life & love is about

Who would fight for my worth

Who always remind me that I'm your woman and only you who's worth to be with

Who always make me smile and make my day shines brighter

Who hugs me with your love and shed my tears whenever I feel down

Who's always be there be there with me in whatever I do

Who realizes that each of my second worth your time

Who treats me like I'm your only diamond and sky

Who supports me in everything I do no matter what

Who is the best in every conceivable way that no one could ever imagine

Who's being a real man of mine

This is for you

I'm keeping my love and devotion just for you

Only you

*to my future husband which is completely anonymous to me, for now*

watch this. think this. eat this. live this. (a message from missy superwoman)

hey yoooo!

Okay suddenly I'm over-excited

I just wanted to share this with you guys

it is

A

SUPERWOMAN

little message

dedicated especially for women out there

G0sh i love this lady

she's beautiful

she's unique

some parts of her are like me

she's brainy

she's brave

and she's superb!

but

dude!

I LOVE HER!!!

wait

i'm not a lesbian but i just

LOVE HER

she inspired me so much

okay i talked too much now

just watch the video

and keep the important messages

*NEVER STOP LEARNING*

*SPREAD LOVE*

*DO WHAT MAKES YOUR HEART HAPPY*

*CHASE YOUR DREAMS*

*GRAB MILK

(err, well I personally would take this message because i love milk so much that i would choose it over cute guys but those whoever can't drink milk then DON'T!)*

*BE YOURSELF*

And the next thing ya gotta do as you can see on the video, RUN.

Okay I'm just kidding

Alright! me gotta bounce now

~LIVE LIFE COOL, PEEPS~

it's what i feel

\

All my life
I've been fighting a war
I can't talk to you or your friends
It's not only you
My heart jumps around when I'm alluded to
This will not do

'Cause I was raised up
To be admired to be noticed
But when you're withdrawn it's the closest thing
To assault when all eyes are on you
This will not do

I'm faking glory
Lick my lips toss my hair
And turn the smile on
And the story's brand-new
But I can take it from here
I'll find my own bravado

It's a switch flipped
It's a pill tipped back, it's a moon eclipsed, whoa
And I can tell you that when the lights come on I'll be ready for this

It's in your bloodstream
A collision of atoms that happens before your eyes
It's a marathon run or a mountain you scale without thinking of size

I was frightened of every little thing that I thought was out to get me down
To trip me up and laugh at me

But I learnt not to want
The quiet of the room with no one around to find me out
I want the applause, the approval, the things that make me go

It's a switch flipped
It's a pill tipped back, it's a moon eclipsed, whoa
And I can tell you that when the lights come on I'll be ready for this

It's in your blood stream
A collision of atoms that happens before your eyes
It's a marathon run or a mountain you scale without thinking of size

I was frightened of every little thing that I thought was out to get me down
To trip me up and laugh at me

But I learnt not to want
The quiet of the room with no one around to find me out
I want the applause, the approval, the things that make me go

Believe

This is for you

So that whenever you feel down to the core

You would listen to this song

And gain the faith in yourself

As how I gain my faith in you

And hold on to that faith

till forever

Remember,

Just believe it

You can do it

Nothing is impossible

*heart you*