Such freedoms I've been longed for since I was a kid.
I'm still in the learning process
To love myself
To know the world
To catch up with everything
To go through new things
A lot of things
Yes
I will get hurt
I will be fooled
I will be cheated
I will be lied
I will be dumped
I will be used
Just name it
Just as long as I won't lose myself
In every way I ought not to
I will always be fine
As an independent girl,
I'm free now
To step up on my own two feet
To reach the high mountain
Where my throne stands
By holding onto my principle,
And by depending on my God,
I am confident
With myself
And no matter what comes afterwards,
I'll strive through it all
And become a better me
In the near future
*See you at the top!*
"You're entitled to your opinion But it's really my decision I can't turn back I'm on a mission If you care don't you dare blur my vision Let me be all that I can be Don't smother me with negativity Whatever's out there waiting for me I'm going to faced it willingly"
Sometimes life gets hard and all I know is to be strong and strive through it with patience and faith. True that I'm a rebellious person. Only when people are trying to control me and tell me what to do especially when it involves in making my own decision in my life. But when people hurt me, betray me, do bad things to me... I don't know how to react and teach them a lesson not to mess with me. I simply let myself hurt and when I can no longer bear with the pain, I simply walk off. That's why my sister always said that I'm weak. Because I don't know how to back myself up. And that's why people tend to hurt me over and over again.
But the thing is, it's not that I'm letting it be that way. It's that I keep pursuing myself to become positive and try to settle down in a good way. But then, it always turn out that people tend to be more harsh and keep doing the same thing and hurt me. And meanwhile, I keep willingly to accept them hurting me redundantly.
That's why most of the time I prefer to be alone. Mostly I prefer to mingle with nature because they always give me this kind of pure feeling that can make me smile sincerely, happy infinitely and love unconditionally. It felt way different when I'm among humans. I always feel insecure somehow. Feels like I'll get hurt at anytime and that I have to be ready to protect myself. Like a knight in shining armor being so particular about his surroundings. it is..
When I get to see the world in many ways, I see that the earth is getting 'dark'. It cost me a lot of disappointment to see how the human treat the world. How the human treat each other. Rapes, murders, slaughters, bribers, wars, what else? insulting religions. Everything just going upside down. Homosexuals... All them negative things are overwhelming and destroying the latest generation of our mankind.
I used to LOVE to read News Straits Times. Besides enhancing my English, their news are very well-updated and knowledgeable. But each day when I buy the newspaper, I feel like there is no more need to read because I see pathetic things on them pages. Crimes. Crimes. Crimes. Man, it's painful. Have you ever had this feeling when you see an old woman, a very old woman being hit in her head in an ATM kiosk, and all you wish is you could have been there to protect her. But you are too late that you can't do it. And you feel regret. And you ended up begging on your knees praying to God that He will protect us all against severe humanity. Have you ever felt that? And you are so eager to do something about it but you don't know where to start. Have you ever felt that?
I see people walking on the street, some are holding hands while complaining about other person's fashion sense, some are holding plenty of shopping bags, some are bargaining price to buy an iPhone, some are sitting on the straicase beside the mall while showing his friend a video or something on his phone, some are having a huge gathering moment in the Starbucks but everybody is too busy looking and taping on their own smartphones but I see nobody seem to concern about the world current situation.
Realizing that I'm standing on the real stage has made me feel like I'm living in the world that certainly out of my type. My hands are shaking for they are so eager to give a hand to those who need. They need love, care, help from us who have all these. Wouldn't it be beautiful if all of us can do that?
I was browsing through youtube when I saw this video. All I saw was a deep and unconditional love. I saw how the husband caressing his wife... I saw the wife's patience. I saw the sister's support. I saw the way the husband hold and cuddle his wife and comfort her. I saw the true love when the husband kisses his wife when the baby was delivered. It was so full of love. I believe that this scene is every woman's desire. And me too. Yeah. Everybody wants this kind of love. It is so pure. It is so true...
I was surrounded by bottles of alcohol...when I was feeling empty. I stared at the people on the dance floor. Still I feel nothing. My soul just wasn't there. Like... I feel like I'm just a floating body waiting to do something, like I don't know what. So I tried to dance... I danced. And I feel nothing. So I tried to talk with a few guys... I talked. Still I feel empty. Like something is missing. I grabbed a bottle of Ruby Red, popped up the lid cock and smelled...well, it smelled like an alcohol that you can find in the laboratory. I opened up another bottle of white wine and smelled...well, it was just a single malt so it smelled like a common wine. So yeah... Everything was there. It should have been fun. But I felt empty.
Why? Why? I should have enjoyed the party and yet I felt empty. My heart was like crawling unto something but it felt like it is hard to reach. Oh. I stumbled on my knees and suddenly I cried. trying to figure what exactly I'm trying to reach.
Just recently, I've found myself wasn't myself anymore. I don't know why. I just... wasn't myself. I've lost something in me. have I traveled to far? have I gone too far? How can I find my way home? I've become too soft a tender. I'm feeling so different this time. Am I missing something? I don't know what to say. All I can do is just pray to Allah that he would always protect me and keep me under His 'arms'.
Drink. Smoke. Guys. Drugs. All of that... Just doesn't work anymore. I just don't feel happy. Everyday I pray so that Allah would send me a person to hold my hand and take me back to Him. I'm helplessly in need. Someone who could understand me, accept me flaws and all, cherish me, make me feel secure, bring me a true happiness, bring me closer to Him, love me more than I love myself. Just... love me more... love me more... cherish me... love me more.... If ever loving me would be a sin then please, let me die. Coz' this world is so mean and I just can't take it anymore...
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